The race marked out for us

I hardly recognize the old blog- I've been away so long! In a limited way I have been keeping up with my favorite blogs, but the season of weirdness continues over here at our house.

Every time I thought, "Oh, I should post something on my blog" I would type it out in my head and it just sounded depressing, or annoying, or any number of negative words. So then I thought, "I'll just wait until I'm better and then post a happy update!" but since that's probably not going to happen soon, it might have been 2011 before I resurfaced. So, then I decided to wait to post until I could make light of all of this "redefining normal" stuff, and here I am today.

The fact that I can write about all this with hope (or write a complete sentence at all) probably means I'm doing better, so that's good news! Here's the low-down (or down-low...oh, wait, that's only if you have to keep it a secret, or maybe run-down...maybe I can't write a complete sentence after all): After a summer of several miscarriages and a busy year (= stress, although it didn't feel horribly stressful at the time) with buying and renovating a house and moving, having people live with us at different times, I found myself completely exhausted. At first it seemed sort of normal, and so we just sort of laid low and waited and tried to scale our activity level back. But four months and a lot of research later (not to mention drs. visits and tests) it's clear I'm dealing with adrenal deficiency, which has led to thyroid problems (which were probably already there but have now been exacerbated) and very low cortisol levels.

Blah blah blah...let me simplify:  All these things make me feel like I have the flu all the time, and if I could just get the 200 lb weight off my head maybe everything wouldn't hurt so much. Now here's the more complicated version: Cortisol affects almost every main body function, so without enough of it, the body starts shutting down. The stresses (using that term  broadly, not just emotional stress) of life are easily handled by a healthy person; a move, having a baby, change of job, etc. are all big deals and require a little more recovery time but they aren't going to knock you off your feet because your body compensates. When cortisol levels are already low, and you encounter a stressful situation, it's a different story, because your body can't make enough to keep up. I'm WAY oversimplifying here so as not to lose any more of you with the boring details. When adrenal function is minimal, the body doesn't produce enough enzymes to break down your food, so it basically rots inside of you. You don't get the nutrients, and you feel horrible, thus the appearance of food "allergies." My diet is pretty minimalistic these days, because there's so little food I can tolerate. I thought we were a whole foods family, but now that any preservative, additives, or unnatural ingredient seems to bother me (even most spices) I know what it really means to eat a whole foods diet. Here is a great article from a homeschooling mother who has researched adrenal deficiencies, fatigue, and related hormone/thyroid problems.

So, in every day life, it means that we are learning to adjust. This is not a week-long or even month-long recovery process. I am taking some meds and supplements, and seeing a doctor who is willing to approach this in a holistic way vs. saying, "You are complicated: here, have an anti-depressant. You won't BE well, but you won't complain about your problems anymore so we will all feel better." Yes, I'm a little cynical, but it's frustrating to watch yourself go downhill so fast, only to be asked if you are depressed. For the record, I'm not. I'm really very happy, I'm just exhausted, and it takes a lot more effort to be happy when you are sleep-deprived and you can hardly eat anything, and just going to Wal-mart (okay, bad example...Wal-mart is always energy-sucking...) book club means you have to spend a day recovering from the stimulation and the being out at night (even if it was only until 9:30pm). WH has been so gracious to let me sleep in until 7:30am every day, which is even more generous with the time change because the kids seem to have no comprehension of Daylight Savings. If only we lived in Arizona. He unloads the dishwasher, get the kids dressed, makes breakfast, and leaves me ready to face the day with as little work as possible. I know, he's wonderful. Sometimes sitting up is too exhausting, and so I end up laying down throughout the day. I've tried to exercise several times in the last few months and it always left me wiped out for days. I'm trying to be faithful with a yoga dvd that is mostly just stretching, and the Winsor pilates video on good days. You'd think exhaustion would lead to sleeping all the time, but the truth is, some people respond to adrenal problems with insomnia. I am sleeping 7-8 hours a few times a week; the rest of the nights are restless. I'm hopeful that will be resolved soon with a new med.

It's just so weird, because we've always felt like less is more as far as medicine goes, and even though I'm taking the natural versions of everything out there (Floradix vs. iron Rx, Armour thyroid vs. Synthroid) it is still going to take a host of medicines, supplements, and vitamins to get me back on my feet. Denying that won't help me get better any faster (I'm finally admitting it).

Having more long-term health issues has required a lot of patience, not only on my part, but possibly more so for my family and church. It's hard for me to out of the loop and unable to serve others, but it's also hard to be the one who's not sick. Lately I've been meditating on Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay off everything that hinders, and the sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

So much packed into those verses, but I have to keep reminding myself that this race, with what seems like so many detours and valleys, is exactly what God has marked out for me. This is my race. Everyone is dealing with their own race, God is writing each of our stories, and we just need to persevere and work and pray daily to throw off the sin which entangles us and keeps us from looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. One day we will be finished with the race, and no more perseverance will be needed. And we will rest. And it will be refreshing, and perfect.

It seems this blog has changed faces in the course of the year. It used to be a place of projects and ideas, recipes and kitchen adventures. I'm still doing projects, still experimenting in the kitchen (although the recipes tend to be gluten-free, so not appealing to the masses), and even sewing when I have a surge of energy. But mostly I'm just maintaining and trying to heal. Thanks for your patience if I owe you a call, or an email, or a letter, or a borrowed book. I am committed to being well, and look forward to being back soon. And if I can get the batteries out of Little T's birthday present and back into the camera, I might even post some pictures. :)